How To Lead a Useful and Sober Life

Somebody requested Imam Ali to advise him how to lead a useful and sober life. Imam Ali thereupon advised him thus: 

"Do not be among those people who want to gain good returns without working hard for them, who have long hopes and keep on postponing repentance and penance, who talk like pious persons but run after vicious pleasures. Do not be among those who are not satisfied if they get more in life and are not content if their lot in life's pleasures is less (they are never satisfied), who never thank Allah for what they get and keep on constantly demanding increase in what is left with them; who advise others to such good deeds that they themselves refrain from; who appreciate good people but do not follow their ways of life; who hate bad and vicious people but follow their ways of life; who, on account of their excessive sins hate death but do not give up the sinful ways of life; who, if fallen ill, repent their ways of life and on regaining their health fearlessly readopt the same frivolous ways; who get despondent and lose all hopes, but on gaining health, become arrogant and careless; who, if faced with misfortunes, dangers or afflictions, turn to Allah and keep on beseeching Him for relief and when relieved or favoured with comfort and ease they are deceived by the comfortable conditions they found themselves in and forget Allah and forsake prayers; whose minds are allured by day dreams and forlorn hopes and who abhor to face realities of life; who fear for others the enormous repercussions of vices and sins but for their own deeds expect very high rewards or very light disciplinary actions. Riches make such people arrogant, rebellious and wicked, and poverty makes them despondent and lethargic. If they have to work, they work lazily and if they put up a demand they do it stubbornly.

Under the influence of inordinate cravings, they commit sins in quick succession and keep on postponing repentance. Calamities and adversities make them give up the distinguished characteristics of Muslims (patience, hope in future and work for improvement of circumstances). They advise people with narration's of events and facts but do not take any lesson from them. They are good at preachings but bad at practice, therefore they always talk of lofty deeds but their actions belie their words. They are keen to acquire temporal pleasures but are careless and slow to achieve permanent (Divine) benefits. They think good for themselves the things which are actually injurious to them and regard harmful the things which really benefit them. 

They are afraid of death but waste their time and do not resort to good deeds before death overtakes them. The vices which they regard as enormous sins for others, they consider as minor shortcomings for themselves. Similarly, they attach great importance to their obedience to the orders of Allah and belittle similar actions in others. Therefore, they often criticize others and speak very highly of their own deeds. They are happy to spend their time in society of rich persons, wasting it in luxuries and vices but are averse to employing for useful purposes in company of the poor and pious people: They are quick and free to pass verdicts against others but they never pass a verdict against their own vicious deeds. They force others to obey them but they never obey Allah. They collect their dues carefully but never pay the dues they owe. They are not afraid of Allah but fear powerful men".

Apology

The Prophet Muhammad (S) has said, “O' ‘Ali! My intercession shall not reach the person who does not accept the apology from another person - whether the apology is truthful or untruthful.”

Asking forgiveness and also accepting the apology of a person who has come to you are both ethical and Islamic values.

There are many people who perform wrong actions, however in their eyes, it is shameful to ask for forgiveness and they actually consider this as being a defect in their character! However, at the same time, they will be the first one to order others for the same thing and this is a major flaw in a person's character.

If a person was to do something inappropriate, what is wrong in him that, just as he feels grief inside him and also asks forgiveness and turns back to Allah (SwT), that he also seek pardon from the creations of Allah (SwT) as well?

Does the person who is not ready to ask forgiveness think himself to be infallible? Without doubt, everyone (with the exception of those who have been kept free from sins - the Prophets and the Ahlu'l Bayt) make mistakes. Therefore, if a person commits an error, then his asking pardon and forgiveness for his acts is actually proof of his greatness and excellence!

Do those who have little patience, a spiritual constriction in their hearts and do not possess the trait of a spiritually expansive heart assume that by asking pardon and seeking forgiveness that they are lowering their status!? Obviously, they are negligent of the fact that asking pardon actually proves the greatness in their character and personality and grants them a high nature!

If we are truly impartial and equitable in regards to an issue - even in trivial things, and if in the face of the other person, no matter who he is - either a common person (who does not know the teachings of the faith) or one with knowledge - if we were to ask forgiveness (when we make a mistake), then this would be the key to a healthy life. Therefore, this act of apologizing is actually one of the valuable ethical traits.

As for the second issue - and this is something which also takes greatness of character and a spiritually expansive heart to carry out - it is to accept the apology of another person.

If a person comes to you and asks to be forgiven, then one must accept the apology.

In the tradition under review, it is stated that even if a person had intentionally done something and then comes and wishes to place himself under the covering of your forgiveness, you must show your greatness of character and not let your ego get the best of you.

In addition, one must even accept the apology of a liar - of course there are certain times and circumstances which are an exception to this rule and are separate from this discussion (which we will not discuss). However if one was not to accept the apology of another person, then slowly the veils of inhibition and shame would be removed from all people!

If someone comes and apologizes and one was to reply, “No, you are lying, you are not sorry for what you did” then that person may actually begin to act even worse and may reply, “It is my heart which wanted me to lie (to you and to try and fool you that I was sorry…)” At this point, what road would you take to stop this person's obstinacy?

In the Du’a of Abu hamza ath-Thumali we read:

أَمَرْتَنَا أَنْ تَعْفُوَ عَمَّنْ ظَلَمَنَا وَ أَنْتَ أَوْلـى بِالْعَفوِ وَ قَدْ ظَلَمْنَا أَنْفُسَنَا…

“You have ordered us to forgive the person who oppresses us, however You are much more worthy to forgive us who have been oppressive to our own selves…”

In reality, the meaning of this line of the Du’a is that whereas we are not ready and prepared to forgive others for the sins and misdeeds which they have done to us, however we expect Allah (SwT) to forgive the great number of our sins! Therefore, in order for us to earn the pardon of Allah (SwT), we must be ready to forgive at least one sin from another person and accept their apology.

In relation to this, the Prophet (S) has said, “The person who does not accept the apology of the individual who has come to him asking forgiveness - whether the apology is truthful or untruthful - shall never have the benefit of my intercession since my intercession is specifically reserved for those who make mistakes and errors.”


SOURCE

Do You Realise?

There is often a tendency of a person to distance themselves from the acts they perceive to be dishonourable, disloyal etc. However, it is also common for human being to see the twig in another’s eye, and forget the log in their own. In these days, as we remember the trials that the family of Prophet Muhammad faced, and the statements that were made those days, it is quite easy to convince oneself that they would indeed have been “with” and his companion and achieved the fawzan adheema (great success) with them. However, we must also ask ourselves, were there no Muslims at the time of Imam Husayn? Were there no people who claimed to love them but then deserted them when the call of Imam Husayn was made. Imam Husayn (as) stood on the plains of Karbala that day, and said it aloud, so that history would record that the ummah had deserted the family of the Prophet, and he asked, facing different directions:

“Is there anyone who will come to assist us? 

Is there anyone who will respond to our call for aid?”

It was not only Imam Husayn who asked these questions to the ummah. Our lady Zaynab (sa) similarly asked of the people of Kufa:

"Woe upon you O people of Kufa. Do you realise which piece of Muhammad's heart you have severed! Which pledge you have broken! Whose blood you have shed! Whose honour you have desecrated!. It is not just Hussain whose headless body lies unburied on the sands of Kerbala. It is the heart of the Holy Prophet. It is the very soul of Islam!"

Often, in shia communities, you will find reference is made to the treachery of Ahl Kufa because of this statement. However, the people of Kufah represent an ideology that is present within us, within our societies, and one which we must fight or else fall in the same group. When we fail in our duty towards justice within our wider global community, it is we who are silent to the call of Imam Husayn, and it is us he asked that day, as he turned in different directions and asked “Hal min naas...”

Next time we are Ziyarat Waaritha and repeat the words: “And I make Allah, His angels, His prophets, and His messengers, witnesses to the fact that I believe in Imam Hussain and in my return to Allah. I also believe in the laws of Allah and in the consequences of human actions. I have subordinated the desires of my heart to his (Imam Hussain's) heart and I sincerely submit to him and (promise to follow his commands)." 

We must make sure that we mean the words we say, and it is not just an annual ritual we go through, like Hey! Time to get the black clothes out and attend the social events and cry some, then live our normal lives, not changing or incorporating any part of Hussainiyat in them. Each season of azadari (mourning for Imam) must be a season of life changing, a formal commitment, and continuation of a pledge to distance oneself from all injustice, starting with, but not limited to the injustice against the self (sin).

Imam Khumayni in his will states a valuable point about mourning. He says:

"The memory of this great epic event (Ashura) must be kept alive. Remember, the cries of damnation and all the curses that are rightfully raised against the cruelty of the Bani Umayyayah caliphs towards the Holy Imams, are reflected in the heroic protests against cruel despots by the nations through the centuries. It is the perpetuation of such protests that shatter oppression and cruelty. It is necessary that the crimes of the tyrants in each age and era be indicated in the cries of lamentation and in the recitals of elegies held for the Holy Imams." 

I end my entry today with a reminder about a noble man who dedicated his life towards serving Imam Husayn (as). This man is Habib ibn Madhahir, one of the faithful and loyal companions who stood that day, to the last moment and guaranteed his path to jannah by his blood.

After the events of the day of Ashura, and the rest of the camp of Imam Husayn (as) were taken captive and paraded through the cities, there was one unique thing about the decapitated head of Habib. Unlike the others which were mounted on spears, history tells us his head was tied to a horse and dragged around. It is said that while in Kufah, a young boy called Qasim followed the horse around whose neck his head was tied. Finally, the rider of the horse asked the boy: “Why are you following me around? What do you want?” Qasim was silent. Again the man asked, “Why are you staring at the head?” and Qasim replied:

This is the head of my father, Habib ibn Madhaahir. Please give it to me so that I may bury it…”

May Allah make us among those who realise who the call was made to, and who was asked for help and take up the worship of loyally serving and dedicating our lives to the Imam of our time, so as not leave him lonely as he wanders, seeking the avengers of the blood of his forefathers and their loyal companions.

Injustice

Was it not enough injustice against the ahlulbayt (as) what was done to them on the day of Ashura, and the days after that? Today the oppression still goes on. The oppression of silence, when people seek to silence those who mourn Imam Husain (as) either by condemning the act of mourning "for a person who was martyred over a thousand years ago" or by seeking to drown out and silence the impact this day had and has, and will continue to have on the heart of every believer, by singing of the miraculous and joyous "happenings" that took place on Ashura.

Where are the avengers of the pure blood spilt at Karbala?

May Allah hasten the reappearance of our Master, Imam al Mahdi (atf)

Are We Doing Our Duty?

O negligent people! O you, who are so indifferent to your obligations and so unmindful of your duties, remember that you will not be excused for such carelessness and negligence. O you, who want to go out of the folds of religion, remember that you shall not be left unquestioned and unpunished.

How is it that I find you drifting away and away from God and swaying towards ungodly thoughts and deeds? You are behaving as if you are cattle whom the pastor is driving through a pasture or a watering place where deadly cattle diseases are raging and they cannot resist this drive, or like sheep who are being fattened on fresh grams and good grass to be butchered and they do not realise they are being so well treated so that when killed they give soft and fat meat. Their vision is so limited that they consider the day they are passing to be the whole span of their lives, and their sole purpose of their existence is to eat and drink. 

~Imam Ali (as) in Nahjul Balagha sermon 173

Courtesy Costs Nothing...

It is often said that courtesy costs  nothing. At the same time, courtesy is something of such fundamental value in human society that its importance cannot be over emphasized.

Imam Hussain (peace be upon him) stressed the value and merit of acts of courtesy where he says: "Know that acts of courtesy earn praiseworthy results, and end in rewardable gains. If you were to see acts of courtesy personified as a man, you would perceive him to be good and handsome, pleasing for people to behold, and transcending all the worlds. And if you were to see acts of vileness personified, you would perceive an ugly, revolting, disfigured man, whom the hearts would be averse to, and whom the eyes would turn away from in disgust." (Mustadrak al-Wasail)

Imam Ali (as) says in this regard: "People who perform acts of courtesy towards others benefit more from them than the recipients of their kindness, for verily they have the reward for them, the [rewarding feeling of] pride for having helped someone as well as a mention. So however much good a man may do for others, it ultimately always starts by benefiting himself, such that he never seeks thanks for the benefit incurred by himself through helping others." (Kashf al-Ghamma)

Have a courteous day! :)

 

I Wonder...

"I wonder at the mentality of a miser, fearing poverty he takes to stinginess and thus hastily pushes himself head- long into a state of want and destitution, he madly desires plenty and ease, but throws it away without understand- ing. In this world he, of his own free will, leads the life of a a beggar and in the next world he will have to submit an account like the rich.

I wonder at the arrogance of a haughty and vain person. Yesterday he was only a drop of semen and tomorrow he will turn into a corpse.

I wonder at the man who observes the Universe created by Allah and doubts His Being and Existence.

I wonder at the man who sees people dying around him and yet he has forgotten his end.

I wonder at the man who understands the marvel of genesis of creation and refuses to accept that he will be brought back to life again.

I wonder at the man who takes great pains to decorate and to make comfortable this mortal habitat and totally forgets his permanent abode."

~Imam Ali (as)

Back for a while...

Assalamu alaikum!

I am back after the (relatively) lengthy break alhamdulillah. Some of you may be aware that I was blessed with the opportunity to visit Imam Ridha (as) in Mashhad (Iran). There are so many things I felt I would want to write about when I got back from there, but now that I am actually sitting at the screen and typing, I have absolutely no words to write about my experiences. There are things that one can only experience and feel, and so putting them down on paper/reducing them to material format would not do justice to their reality.

That being said, I will try and incorporate my experiences and things I learnt in my upcoming posts. Perhaps my poetry blog may have a bit more to share, but for now, I don't know. I am grateful for your prayers, and ask you to keep remembering me in them.

On a slightly different tangent, I have been thinking a lot about priorities and life decisions. There are so many moments in our lives when we make life changing decisions, and so many priorities we make which have a major impact on the course our lives take, but how much thought do we actually put into such moments and priorities? Or if we do actually put thought into them, and know what priorities we do want to have, are we still able to keep the priorities? 

There is so much I don't know at this point,

The shore seems distant, and sky and shore joint.

The waves toss me upon their tempest,

Exposing me to my shocking frailty,

And the oceans of tears empty and fill,

Both in the same gasping breath.

I don't know where this raft will land,

I am not sure what direction I am facing any more.

Am I at the sunrise, 

Or did sunset arrive while I was distracted?

In the waves of unknowns, only one certainty lingers:

Your Mercy is beyond measure,

this ark will take me to the shore,

and when I get there,

I will plead for Your mercy some more.

Do remember me in your prayers :-)

Sisters

“And those who joined that which Allah has bidden to be joined and have awe of their Lord and fear the evil reckoning." (Surah ar-Rā’d 13:21)

A sister is your mirror who knows and sees best your faults and shortcomings, often even more than your parents, and thus is in a position to correct you and help you mend your ways. Similarly, her similarity to you in so many ways also makes you more aware of the faults and shortcomings which you share. She is a teacher, your companion, the store of your secrets and wishes. 

A sister is aware of when you are crying, even when there are no tears in your eyes, and when you are smiling, even if it is in the dark. She is your attorney, ready to defend you against the world. 

She is your reminder and your source of inspiration. She gives you reason to go on, when you want to give up. She is also the one who is brave enough to tell you when you are wrong, and give you a telling off when you need one. A sister is a treasure, value it while it is yours. A sister a source of lessons, study her and do it well. 

Your sister is your little mother, your teacher, your best friend. A sister is a lifetime, a store of childhood memories.

A happy birthday to you my dearest sister! May Allah shower His blessings upon you always, and grant you His love and the love of those He loves <3

Random Thought

There are times when you have so much to say, but then you realize or remember, there are times only silence will keep you going.

Reminders...

It is narrated that when Hadrat Dawood (a.s.) committed his initial fault, and he went lamenting through hills and dales in penitence, he reached the cave inside which Prophet Hadhrat Hizqeel (a.s.) was busy in supplication.

When Hadrat Hizqeel (a.s.) heard the moaning of the hills and the beasts, he understood that Hadrat Dawood (a.s.) had come to him. The reason for this was that when Hadrat Dawood (a.s.) recited the Zaboor, the flora, fauna and the stones too joined him in the recitation. Hadrat Dawood (a.s.) reached the entrance of the cave and called, “O Hizqeel (a.s.)! Do you permit me to come up to you?” Hadrat Hizqeel (a.s.) said, “Please don’t come to me because you are a sinner!” But Allah (S.w.T.) sent a revelation to him, “Because of Dawood (a.s.)’s first sin, don’t reprimand him. To the contrary pray to Us for his pardon and well being! Whenever we leave anyone to his own scruples, he might commit a mistake!”

Now Hadrat Hizqeel (a.s.) caught hold of Hadrat Dawood (a.s.)’s hand and guided him inside the cave.

Hadrat Dawood (a.s.) asked Hadrat Hizqeel (a.s.), “O Hizqeel (a.s.)! Have you ever thought of committing a sin?”

He replied, “No! Never!”

Hadrat Dawood (a.s.) asked, “Did you ever feel proud?”

He replied, “No! Never!”

Hadrat Dawood (a.s.) asked, “Have you ever been tempted with the worldly pleasures?”

Hadrat Hizqeel (a.s.) replied, “Yes! I was tempted!”

Hadrat Dawood (a.s.) asked, “Then! What remedy you use against these temptations?”

He replied, “In such circumstances I get into this cave and take pity from what I witness therein.”

Hadrat Dawood (a.s.) then entered into the recesses of the cave with Hadrat Hizqeel (a.s.) He found inside there a plate of steel. On the plate was lying a human skeleton and beside it was a tablet of steel on which was inscribed: 

“I Arwai Bin Shalam

 ruled for a thousand years,

established a thousand cities,

deflowered a thousand virgins.

But,

My condition is this

That my bed is dust

My pillow a stone

And

My body is the

Dwelling place of

Insects and vermin.

Whoever sets eye on me

Should not be carried away

With worldly attractions!”

In these trying times, one must also remember to seek the help of Allah to enable him deal appropriately with all hard situations. Once ones heart is firmly established and rooted in the Islamic principles, no affair will shake it from this position. In this regard, Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (a.s.), while predicting the period of the absence of the Last Imam (atf), says, “During that troublesome period there will be so much of sedition that the angels would be astonished at the very few deaths of men of piety!” The narrator asked the Imam (a.s.),” What should the people do in that difficult time?” The Imam (a.s.) replied, “They should recite the Du’a al-Ghareeq. This consists in saying:

‘Ya Allahu  ya Rahmanu, ya Raheemu ya Muqallibul Quloob, thabbit qalbi ‘ala deenik - O Allah, O Beneficent, O Merciful, O Overturner of hearts! Keep my heart steadfast on Your religion!”

On Rights and Obligations

Following up on an earlier post I made, [Compatibility 101], I felt the need to elaborate further on some issues which arose. One of these was the issue of the rights and obligations of spouses.

There are many instances in life when one thinks of their obligations, and their rights. A lot of times, mental emphasis is laid on the rights a person has, or is owed by others. What one would need to remember however is that for every single right one is granted (by Allah or otherwise), there is a corresponding and equal obligation. For example, if one looks at the rights owed to parents by their children, one would think them so great and a huge burden of obligation on the child. This would however be looking at only one side of the coin. Corresponding and equal to these rights is the duty of the parents towards their child, which flows from the minutest details of picking the right parent for their child(i.e. pick the right spouse), to picking a good name for the child, to providing for them materially, spiritually and emotionally.

Similarly, one may assume that a husband in Islam is given a lot of rights over the wife, including the right to place restrictions on her movement and interactions. However, one must also remember that these rights are given subject to conditions, and a failure to fulfill such conditions strips one of such a right. For example, a man can only place restrictions on his wife’s movements/leaving the house where he is providing for her financially/materially and emotionally/spiritually/psychologically. True, in narrations we are told of the obligations of a wife towards her husband, for example, Imam Ali  says that the best amongst women is one who has five qualities:

1. She is easy-going, obedient, humble, and economical to her husband.

2. She is good tempered to him.

3. She is cooperative and helpful to him in difficulties.

4. Whenever her husband is angry or depressed, she does not rest until she finds him happy and pleased.

5. When her husband is absent from her, she protects his belongings in his absence.

He adds that such a woman is an agent of the agents of Allah and the agent of Allah will not be disappointed, (she gains her correct hopes). [Al Kafi].

He  also says, "The Jihad (fighting in the way of Allah) of a woman is to afford pleasant company to her husband.”The Holy Prophet [s] has also said, "The right of a man upon (his)wife is: lighting the light, preparing food, receiving him at the threshold of the door of the house with pleasant conversation, and avoid refusing to offer herself to him except for the time there is an excuse." [Makarimul Akhlaaq]. He (s) also says, "A woman has not performed the right of Allah, Almighty and Glorious unless she performs the right of her husband." [Mustadrak Wasaail ush-Shiah].

Imam Baqir  narrates from Rasul (s) that the right of a husband upon his wife is that she obeys him and does not offend him. So it is quite clear that the husband is owed a great deal of rights by his wife. What then are his corresponding obligations (if any) and what role do they play in ensuring that the wife also performs her role? The Holy Prophet (s) sets a standard for all the believing men. He says, “The best among you are those who are best to their wives, and Iam the best among you in treating my wives.” He is the best exemplar one can follow in order to find out how they should treat their wife, when they look at his treatment towards the most beloved of his wives, Khadijah , as well as his treatment towards his other wives (such as his reaction when his wives deceived him about the smell of honey from his mouth, and what extents he took to ensure their comfort, until a commandment came from Allah (swt) to protect him from their trickery).

Imam Ali  says, “In any condition, conciliate the wives, and talk with them warmly and through kind words, thereby, they may change their actions into good ones.” Imam Baaqir  also teaches men the need for them to treat their wives well where he says, “He who takes a woman (marries) should certainly respect her, because the wife of anyone is a means of your pleasure, so the one who marries a woman should not spoil or disgrace her (by disregarding her respectable/reasonable rights).

One’s treatment of his wife is a great indicator of the level of his faith, as Rasul (s) says, “However much the faith of a man increases, his regard for women increases.” Similarly, Imam Ali  also says, “The worst man is he who restricts his household.”So it is clear that spouses should be good tempered and have good dispositions towards each other in order to have a peaceful home in which Islamic values can be practiced and follows.

However, what is the solution where one party fails to fulfill this obligation? The Holy Prophet (s) says, "Any man who is patient with the wife who is bad tempered, and seeks that patience from Allah, He bestows him the reward given to the thankful ones."

Another common complaint from women who are financially dependent on their husband is the issue of being reminded (either by the husband or his family) of the ‘great favour’ they are being done, and the need for them to remember this. First, it is important to remember that providing for one’s family is an obligation, and not a favour. In this regard, Imam Sadiq  says, "He who tolerates the task of earning money for (the comfort of) his wife, is like the one who fights in the way of Allah.” [Al Kafi]. He also says, "This (sin) is enough for a man that he leaves those dependant on him for sustenance without regard."Secondly, the Qur’an warns us against reminding those we have helped/supported of our help towards them. In Surah Baqarah, verse 2 we are told, “O you who have believed, do not invalidate your charities with reminders or injury.” Similarly, in a narration reported by Abu Dharr  from Rasul (s), we are told that among the three people Allah (swt) will not speak to on the day of resurrection is the one who reminds of his favor, who does not give a thing but to remind [the recipient] of it.

In summary, it is important to remind ourselves each time we count our rights, that we have a corresponding obligation. So before we demand our rights, we must first ensure we have not left a single obligation of ours unfulfilled. Like they say, “As you sow, so you shall reap” i.e. if you are a moody, crabby, overbearing person, it would be unfair not to expect the same in response. The next time we read a narration like the one where the Holy Prophet (s) says that the jihad of a woman is to afford pleasant company to her husband, and that the right of her husband over her is the greatest right of all people over her, we must remember that the man has also been given obligations in Islam which will go a long way towards allowing the woman to be good company towards her husband. For example, if she is overburdened by the house chores and babysitting, and is tired and at her wits end by the time the husband gets home from work, it is not likely that the man will be met at the door with a smiling countenance offering to take off his shoes and asking about his day at work!

May Allah (swt) grant us success in His way!

Serendipity

Serendipity: the faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident.

Today, take the time to discover the blessings and bounties of your Lord on you, and do it on purpose. Don't wait until it happens by accident.

Have a serendipitous day! =)

~S~

Compatibility 101

“O ye people ! fear your Lord who created you from a single soul and of its kind created its mate, and from them twain spread many men and women; and fear ALLAH, in Whose name you appeal to one another, and fear him particularly respecting ties of kinship. Verily ALLAH watches over you.” [Qur’an 4:1] 

For a lot of the youth today, the question of whom to marry is one which is seen as a complex and difficult one. Is it really that difficult? Or are the difficulties in finding the right person often self imposed, or as a result of wrong criterion. A lot of the youth today are complaining, ‘I cannot find anyone I am compatible with!’ What exactly is compatibility? Is it of any importance in finding a spouse who will lead you towards Allah (swt)?

Compatibility has been defined as the capability of existing or performing in harmonious, agreeable or congenial combination with another or others. This would imply that for two people to be considered compatible as a couple, they must be capable of existing together harmoniously.

According to a narration, the Holy Prophet (s) was asked, “Whom must we marry?”

He replied, “The suitable (matches).” (kufw)

He was then asked, “Who are the suitable matches?”

He (s) responded,

المُؤمِنُونَ بَعضُهُم أكْفَاءُ بَعضٍ.

 “Some of the believers are matches for each other.”

It is thus clear that the first and most important aspect of compatibility is religious compatibility. A person who is committed to observing and practicing the religious principles and laws must marry only a person who is also committed to the same, or else there can be no harmony.

Cultural and mental compatibility are also an important aspect. This is because, ones culture and mindset will play a big role in their future plans, the way they see things, their measures and standards of what is acceptable and what is not. Imam Sadiq (as) has said:

                                                                          اَلعَارِفَةُ لا تُوضَعُ إلاّ عِندَ العَارِفِ.

“An intelligent and wise woman must not be placed except beside a sage and wise man.” 

While it may be nearly impossible to find one with whom they are fully compatible mentally and culturally, the issue should still play an important role when one is making a decision in picking a compatible spouse.

The morals of the two should also be compatible. A person may appear to observe some aspects of religion very strictly, for example praying, fasting, proper dress code, yet they engage in behavior which is contrary to religious morals such as a foul mouth, excessively talkative, addiction to music, free interaction with the opposite sex etc.

Education is also something which may play a role in the compatibility of two people. The exposure and mental development that occurs for one who has had an education cannot be compared to one who has not been exposed to any educative environment. Here, an education does not necessarily mean college degrees etc, even though basic schooling does create a lot of common ground. Ones exposure and experiences form an important part of their ‘education’ and their take on things, and can thus have a very significant impact on a couple.

Physical compatibility and beauty are also two important aspects of compatibility. One must remember that they plan to live with their spouse for the rest of their life, and should thus ensure that they do not have serious misgivings about the person’s appearance, as this may be manifested in other unsavory means. At the same time, one must not tie themselves so much to the fine details of ones physical beauty, while remembering that inner beauty is what will form the most lasting impression. On the same aspect, age also plays an important role, and one should marry one whose age (physical and mental maturity) is compatible with theirs.

One may ask what role (if any) the financial and social status of two people may have on compatibility. Ideally, it should have none. However, given that the average person you will meet is not likely to be a completely perfect person, one must discuss how important a role this will play in their future role. A common joke/story I have often heard is how an extremely poor girl was married to a prince. Despite all the luxuries and sumptuous banquets that were now available to her as a princess, she would miss and cry for the days when she had ‘dry rice with no curry’. Moral of the story: financial and social status can play a big role in ones expectations of life, and should not be disregarded.

Social and political compatibility may sound like taking things a little too far with compatibility. However, for example where one holds very strong political beliefs, and the other party holds an equally strong opposite view, it may cause quite some difficulty, unless the two are sure they will be able to ‘agree to disagree’ peacefully! On the social aspect, an example would be where one is a social bee, always ready to be right in the limelight while the other prefers a quiet life. This may bring some difficulties, especially if this aspect of their characters is a big part of their life. Like they say, ‘Birds of a feather flock together’. Attempting to “fly” with a bird of a “different feather” can bring some pretty insurmountable challenges.

There are many aspects of compatibility which one must consider, including psychological compatibility and future compatibility (i.e. yes, so we are compatible now, but will we still be compatible in the next 5, 10, 15 months, years?)

While keeping all these in mind, one must also remember the teachings of the Qur’an regarding marriage. The Qur’an says:

“And of HIS Signs is that HE has created wives for you from among yourselves that you may find peace of mind in them, and HE has put love and tenderness between you. In that, surely, are Signs for a people who reflect” (30:22)

“HE it is Who created you from a single soul and made therefrom its mate, that he might find comfort in her.” (7:190)

“....They are a sort of garment for you and you are a sort of garment for them....” (2:188)

In the above verse, what does it mean to be a garment? Thinking of it in terms of the functions of a garment/clothing, one can conclude that a spouse is one who will cover up one’s weaknesses and shortcomings from others. Further, they will act as an adornment and embellishment for each other as well as acting as a protection from the harsh conditions of weather (i.e. they will protect and support in each other through good times and bad).

As a final reminder to myself and others: Should we be careful about the little details that make a part of the other person? YES. Should we become obsessive fault finders? NO.

“Our Lord, grant us of our spouses and children the delight of our eyes, and make us leaders/guides for the righteous.” [Qur’an 25:74]


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