Compatibility 101

“O ye people ! fear your Lord who created you from a single soul and of its kind created its mate, and from them twain spread many men and women; and fear ALLAH, in Whose name you appeal to one another, and fear him particularly respecting ties of kinship. Verily ALLAH watches over you.” [Qur’an 4:1] 

For a lot of the youth today, the question of whom to marry is one which is seen as a complex and difficult one. Is it really that difficult? Or are the difficulties in finding the right person often self imposed, or as a result of wrong criterion. A lot of the youth today are complaining, ‘I cannot find anyone I am compatible with!’ What exactly is compatibility? Is it of any importance in finding a spouse who will lead you towards Allah (swt)?

Compatibility has been defined as the capability of existing or performing in harmonious, agreeable or congenial combination with another or others. This would imply that for two people to be considered compatible as a couple, they must be capable of existing together harmoniously.

According to a narration, the Holy Prophet (s) was asked, “Whom must we marry?”

He replied, “The suitable (matches).” (kufw)

He was then asked, “Who are the suitable matches?”

He (s) responded,

المُؤمِنُونَ بَعضُهُم أكْفَاءُ بَعضٍ.

 “Some of the believers are matches for each other.”

It is thus clear that the first and most important aspect of compatibility is religious compatibility. A person who is committed to observing and practicing the religious principles and laws must marry only a person who is also committed to the same, or else there can be no harmony.

Cultural and mental compatibility are also an important aspect. This is because, ones culture and mindset will play a big role in their future plans, the way they see things, their measures and standards of what is acceptable and what is not. Imam Sadiq (as) has said:

                                                                          اَلعَارِفَةُ لا تُوضَعُ إلاّ عِندَ العَارِفِ.

“An intelligent and wise woman must not be placed except beside a sage and wise man.” 

While it may be nearly impossible to find one with whom they are fully compatible mentally and culturally, the issue should still play an important role when one is making a decision in picking a compatible spouse.

The morals of the two should also be compatible. A person may appear to observe some aspects of religion very strictly, for example praying, fasting, proper dress code, yet they engage in behavior which is contrary to religious morals such as a foul mouth, excessively talkative, addiction to music, free interaction with the opposite sex etc.

Education is also something which may play a role in the compatibility of two people. The exposure and mental development that occurs for one who has had an education cannot be compared to one who has not been exposed to any educative environment. Here, an education does not necessarily mean college degrees etc, even though basic schooling does create a lot of common ground. Ones exposure and experiences form an important part of their ‘education’ and their take on things, and can thus have a very significant impact on a couple.

Physical compatibility and beauty are also two important aspects of compatibility. One must remember that they plan to live with their spouse for the rest of their life, and should thus ensure that they do not have serious misgivings about the person’s appearance, as this may be manifested in other unsavory means. At the same time, one must not tie themselves so much to the fine details of ones physical beauty, while remembering that inner beauty is what will form the most lasting impression. On the same aspect, age also plays an important role, and one should marry one whose age (physical and mental maturity) is compatible with theirs.

One may ask what role (if any) the financial and social status of two people may have on compatibility. Ideally, it should have none. However, given that the average person you will meet is not likely to be a completely perfect person, one must discuss how important a role this will play in their future role. A common joke/story I have often heard is how an extremely poor girl was married to a prince. Despite all the luxuries and sumptuous banquets that were now available to her as a princess, she would miss and cry for the days when she had ‘dry rice with no curry’. Moral of the story: financial and social status can play a big role in ones expectations of life, and should not be disregarded.

Social and political compatibility may sound like taking things a little too far with compatibility. However, for example where one holds very strong political beliefs, and the other party holds an equally strong opposite view, it may cause quite some difficulty, unless the two are sure they will be able to ‘agree to disagree’ peacefully! On the social aspect, an example would be where one is a social bee, always ready to be right in the limelight while the other prefers a quiet life. This may bring some difficulties, especially if this aspect of their characters is a big part of their life. Like they say, ‘Birds of a feather flock together’. Attempting to “fly” with a bird of a “different feather” can bring some pretty insurmountable challenges.

There are many aspects of compatibility which one must consider, including psychological compatibility and future compatibility (i.e. yes, so we are compatible now, but will we still be compatible in the next 5, 10, 15 months, years?)

While keeping all these in mind, one must also remember the teachings of the Qur’an regarding marriage. The Qur’an says:

“And of HIS Signs is that HE has created wives for you from among yourselves that you may find peace of mind in them, and HE has put love and tenderness between you. In that, surely, are Signs for a people who reflect” (30:22)

“HE it is Who created you from a single soul and made therefrom its mate, that he might find comfort in her.” (7:190)

“....They are a sort of garment for you and you are a sort of garment for them....” (2:188)

In the above verse, what does it mean to be a garment? Thinking of it in terms of the functions of a garment/clothing, one can conclude that a spouse is one who will cover up one’s weaknesses and shortcomings from others. Further, they will act as an adornment and embellishment for each other as well as acting as a protection from the harsh conditions of weather (i.e. they will protect and support in each other through good times and bad).

As a final reminder to myself and others: Should we be careful about the little details that make a part of the other person? YES. Should we become obsessive fault finders? NO.

“Our Lord, grant us of our spouses and children the delight of our eyes, and make us leaders/guides for the righteous.” [Qur’an 25:74]


Read more widely here