On Rights and Obligations

Following up on an earlier post I made, [Compatibility 101], I felt the need to elaborate further on some issues which arose. One of these was the issue of the rights and obligations of spouses.

There are many instances in life when one thinks of their obligations, and their rights. A lot of times, mental emphasis is laid on the rights a person has, or is owed by others. What one would need to remember however is that for every single right one is granted (by Allah or otherwise), there is a corresponding and equal obligation. For example, if one looks at the rights owed to parents by their children, one would think them so great and a huge burden of obligation on the child. This would however be looking at only one side of the coin. Corresponding and equal to these rights is the duty of the parents towards their child, which flows from the minutest details of picking the right parent for their child(i.e. pick the right spouse), to picking a good name for the child, to providing for them materially, spiritually and emotionally.

Similarly, one may assume that a husband in Islam is given a lot of rights over the wife, including the right to place restrictions on her movement and interactions. However, one must also remember that these rights are given subject to conditions, and a failure to fulfill such conditions strips one of such a right. For example, a man can only place restrictions on his wife’s movements/leaving the house where he is providing for her financially/materially and emotionally/spiritually/psychologically. True, in narrations we are told of the obligations of a wife towards her husband, for example, Imam Ali  says that the best amongst women is one who has five qualities:

1. She is easy-going, obedient, humble, and economical to her husband.

2. She is good tempered to him.

3. She is cooperative and helpful to him in difficulties.

4. Whenever her husband is angry or depressed, she does not rest until she finds him happy and pleased.

5. When her husband is absent from her, she protects his belongings in his absence.

He adds that such a woman is an agent of the agents of Allah and the agent of Allah will not be disappointed, (she gains her correct hopes). [Al Kafi].

He  also says, "The Jihad (fighting in the way of Allah) of a woman is to afford pleasant company to her husband.”The Holy Prophet [s] has also said, "The right of a man upon (his)wife is: lighting the light, preparing food, receiving him at the threshold of the door of the house with pleasant conversation, and avoid refusing to offer herself to him except for the time there is an excuse." [Makarimul Akhlaaq]. He (s) also says, "A woman has not performed the right of Allah, Almighty and Glorious unless she performs the right of her husband." [Mustadrak Wasaail ush-Shiah].

Imam Baqir  narrates from Rasul (s) that the right of a husband upon his wife is that she obeys him and does not offend him. So it is quite clear that the husband is owed a great deal of rights by his wife. What then are his corresponding obligations (if any) and what role do they play in ensuring that the wife also performs her role? The Holy Prophet (s) sets a standard for all the believing men. He says, “The best among you are those who are best to their wives, and Iam the best among you in treating my wives.” He is the best exemplar one can follow in order to find out how they should treat their wife, when they look at his treatment towards the most beloved of his wives, Khadijah , as well as his treatment towards his other wives (such as his reaction when his wives deceived him about the smell of honey from his mouth, and what extents he took to ensure their comfort, until a commandment came from Allah (swt) to protect him from their trickery).

Imam Ali  says, “In any condition, conciliate the wives, and talk with them warmly and through kind words, thereby, they may change their actions into good ones.” Imam Baaqir  also teaches men the need for them to treat their wives well where he says, “He who takes a woman (marries) should certainly respect her, because the wife of anyone is a means of your pleasure, so the one who marries a woman should not spoil or disgrace her (by disregarding her respectable/reasonable rights).

One’s treatment of his wife is a great indicator of the level of his faith, as Rasul (s) says, “However much the faith of a man increases, his regard for women increases.” Similarly, Imam Ali  also says, “The worst man is he who restricts his household.”So it is clear that spouses should be good tempered and have good dispositions towards each other in order to have a peaceful home in which Islamic values can be practiced and follows.

However, what is the solution where one party fails to fulfill this obligation? The Holy Prophet (s) says, "Any man who is patient with the wife who is bad tempered, and seeks that patience from Allah, He bestows him the reward given to the thankful ones."

Another common complaint from women who are financially dependent on their husband is the issue of being reminded (either by the husband or his family) of the ‘great favour’ they are being done, and the need for them to remember this. First, it is important to remember that providing for one’s family is an obligation, and not a favour. In this regard, Imam Sadiq  says, "He who tolerates the task of earning money for (the comfort of) his wife, is like the one who fights in the way of Allah.” [Al Kafi]. He also says, "This (sin) is enough for a man that he leaves those dependant on him for sustenance without regard."Secondly, the Qur’an warns us against reminding those we have helped/supported of our help towards them. In Surah Baqarah, verse 2 we are told, “O you who have believed, do not invalidate your charities with reminders or injury.” Similarly, in a narration reported by Abu Dharr  from Rasul (s), we are told that among the three people Allah (swt) will not speak to on the day of resurrection is the one who reminds of his favor, who does not give a thing but to remind [the recipient] of it.

In summary, it is important to remind ourselves each time we count our rights, that we have a corresponding obligation. So before we demand our rights, we must first ensure we have not left a single obligation of ours unfulfilled. Like they say, “As you sow, so you shall reap” i.e. if you are a moody, crabby, overbearing person, it would be unfair not to expect the same in response. The next time we read a narration like the one where the Holy Prophet (s) says that the jihad of a woman is to afford pleasant company to her husband, and that the right of her husband over her is the greatest right of all people over her, we must remember that the man has also been given obligations in Islam which will go a long way towards allowing the woman to be good company towards her husband. For example, if she is overburdened by the house chores and babysitting, and is tired and at her wits end by the time the husband gets home from work, it is not likely that the man will be met at the door with a smiling countenance offering to take off his shoes and asking about his day at work!

May Allah (swt) grant us success in His way!