Compatibility 101

“O ye people ! fear your Lord who created you from a single soul and of its kind created its mate, and from them twain spread many men and women; and fear ALLAH, in Whose name you appeal to one another, and fear him particularly respecting ties of kinship. Verily ALLAH watches over you.” [Qur’an 4:1] 

For a lot of the youth today, the question of whom to marry is one which is seen as a complex and difficult one. Is it really that difficult? Or are the difficulties in finding the right person often self imposed, or as a result of wrong criterion. A lot of the youth today are complaining, ‘I cannot find anyone I am compatible with!’ What exactly is compatibility? Is it of any importance in finding a spouse who will lead you towards Allah (swt)?

Compatibility has been defined as the capability of existing or performing in harmonious, agreeable or congenial combination with another or others. This would imply that for two people to be considered compatible as a couple, they must be capable of existing together harmoniously.

According to a narration, the Holy Prophet (s) was asked, “Whom must we marry?”

He replied, “The suitable (matches).” (kufw)

He was then asked, “Who are the suitable matches?”

He (s) responded,

المُؤمِنُونَ بَعضُهُم أكْفَاءُ بَعضٍ.

 “Some of the believers are matches for each other.”

It is thus clear that the first and most important aspect of compatibility is religious compatibility. A person who is committed to observing and practicing the religious principles and laws must marry only a person who is also committed to the same, or else there can be no harmony.

Cultural and mental compatibility are also an important aspect. This is because, ones culture and mindset will play a big role in their future plans, the way they see things, their measures and standards of what is acceptable and what is not. Imam Sadiq (as) has said:

                                                                          اَلعَارِفَةُ لا تُوضَعُ إلاّ عِندَ العَارِفِ.

“An intelligent and wise woman must not be placed except beside a sage and wise man.” 

While it may be nearly impossible to find one with whom they are fully compatible mentally and culturally, the issue should still play an important role when one is making a decision in picking a compatible spouse.

The morals of the two should also be compatible. A person may appear to observe some aspects of religion very strictly, for example praying, fasting, proper dress code, yet they engage in behavior which is contrary to religious morals such as a foul mouth, excessively talkative, addiction to music, free interaction with the opposite sex etc.

Education is also something which may play a role in the compatibility of two people. The exposure and mental development that occurs for one who has had an education cannot be compared to one who has not been exposed to any educative environment. Here, an education does not necessarily mean college degrees etc, even though basic schooling does create a lot of common ground. Ones exposure and experiences form an important part of their ‘education’ and their take on things, and can thus have a very significant impact on a couple.

Physical compatibility and beauty are also two important aspects of compatibility. One must remember that they plan to live with their spouse for the rest of their life, and should thus ensure that they do not have serious misgivings about the person’s appearance, as this may be manifested in other unsavory means. At the same time, one must not tie themselves so much to the fine details of ones physical beauty, while remembering that inner beauty is what will form the most lasting impression. On the same aspect, age also plays an important role, and one should marry one whose age (physical and mental maturity) is compatible with theirs.

One may ask what role (if any) the financial and social status of two people may have on compatibility. Ideally, it should have none. However, given that the average person you will meet is not likely to be a completely perfect person, one must discuss how important a role this will play in their future role. A common joke/story I have often heard is how an extremely poor girl was married to a prince. Despite all the luxuries and sumptuous banquets that were now available to her as a princess, she would miss and cry for the days when she had ‘dry rice with no curry’. Moral of the story: financial and social status can play a big role in ones expectations of life, and should not be disregarded.

Social and political compatibility may sound like taking things a little too far with compatibility. However, for example where one holds very strong political beliefs, and the other party holds an equally strong opposite view, it may cause quite some difficulty, unless the two are sure they will be able to ‘agree to disagree’ peacefully! On the social aspect, an example would be where one is a social bee, always ready to be right in the limelight while the other prefers a quiet life. This may bring some difficulties, especially if this aspect of their characters is a big part of their life. Like they say, ‘Birds of a feather flock together’. Attempting to “fly” with a bird of a “different feather” can bring some pretty insurmountable challenges.

There are many aspects of compatibility which one must consider, including psychological compatibility and future compatibility (i.e. yes, so we are compatible now, but will we still be compatible in the next 5, 10, 15 months, years?)

While keeping all these in mind, one must also remember the teachings of the Qur’an regarding marriage. The Qur’an says:

“And of HIS Signs is that HE has created wives for you from among yourselves that you may find peace of mind in them, and HE has put love and tenderness between you. In that, surely, are Signs for a people who reflect” (30:22)

“HE it is Who created you from a single soul and made therefrom its mate, that he might find comfort in her.” (7:190)

“....They are a sort of garment for you and you are a sort of garment for them....” (2:188)

In the above verse, what does it mean to be a garment? Thinking of it in terms of the functions of a garment/clothing, one can conclude that a spouse is one who will cover up one’s weaknesses and shortcomings from others. Further, they will act as an adornment and embellishment for each other as well as acting as a protection from the harsh conditions of weather (i.e. they will protect and support in each other through good times and bad).

As a final reminder to myself and others: Should we be careful about the little details that make a part of the other person? YES. Should we become obsessive fault finders? NO.

“Our Lord, grant us of our spouses and children the delight of our eyes, and make us leaders/guides for the righteous.” [Qur’an 25:74]


Read more widely here

On Death and Love for this World

A beautiful and moving reminder from Sayyid Hasan Nasrallah (ha)

Wise are those who take a lesson from death,
Wiser are those who kill the self before death overtakes it,
Wisest are those whose life and death is for the sake of Allah.

Definition of Intellect

اِنَّ خيارَكُمْ اُولُوا النُّهى، قيلَ: يا رَسولَ اللّه‏ِ، وَ مَنْ اُولُوا النُّهى؟ قالَ: هُم اُولُوا الاَْخْلاقِ الحَسَنَةِ وَ الاَْحلامِ الرَّزينَةِ وَ صِلَةِ الاَْرْحامِ وَ البَرَرَةُ بِالاُْمَّهاتِ وَ الاْآباءِ وَ الْمُتَعاهِدينَ لِلْفُقَراءِ وَ الْجيرانِ وَ الْيَتامى وَ يُطْعِمونَ الطَّعامَ وَ يُفْشونَ السَّلامَ فِى الْعالَمِ وَ يُصَلّونَ وَ النّاسُ نيامٌ غافِلونَ؛

The Prophet (S) said: "The best among you are the possessors of intellect." It was then asked of the Prophet: "Oh Messenger of God! Who are the possessors of intellect?" The Prophet (S) replied: "Those who have good morals, those who are patient and gracious, those who are compassionate, those who are kind towards their mother and father, those who look after (and feed) the poor and the orphans, those who greet everyone with a ‘salaam,’ and those who pray while the people are asleep."

Source: Al Kafi, Vol. 2, p. 240, h. 32

May Allah guide us to true intellect.

On Unanswered Prayers...

“I have seen many people’s supplications go unanswered even though they applied all these eight criterias with piousness and even the other steps raised. So what is the reason now for not getting their supplications answered?” 

Since we haven’t yet covered the details answering the question above we will move on and answer the question accordingly, inshaAllah. 

In order to understand the result of our supplication we will have to separate it into three situations (maslahat): 

1. Allah will give whether we ask for it or not 

This situation indicates one of God’s Attributes – Allah’s Rahma (Compassion). Here we are talking about things that we usually never thank for, such as our good health (which He as given us), a normal working aql (intellect), good parents, good upbringing, etc. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          .

2. He will not give whether we ask or not. 

What does this mean? Since Allah is All-Knowing, He knows that what the pleading person is asking for is not meant for him and because it isn’t good for him Allah will not answer this supplication. This is a part of the question that was raised by the brother. 

An example on this could be an individual who supplicates to Allah to become a leader to help people and restore justice and eradicate corruption in a society. This is a typical example on how Allah usually doesn’t realize one’s dua. 

Now this person might conclude that God isn’t Compassionate. Wrong, He is always Compassionate. The fact is that He Compassionate, All-Knowing and owns knowledge about the Unseen (ilm al-Ghayb). Thus, if He doesn’t grant that pleading servant (what he is asking for) then it is due to the fact that this person might become a worse person than what he already is; making him a dictator for instance after having attained power and money. This is why a person has to have qina’a(contentment) and be thankful for what he is and has at all time. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          .

3. He will give only if we ask. 

What’s meant with this third category is that there are things that Allah only gives after a certain time. Attributes such as qina’a (contentment) and sabr (patience) are very important for the pleading person at all time. 

Contentment lead to the fact that people becomes contented with what they already possess in this life, concentrate on their aims in life and at the same time occasionally ask for things that are meant to be taken with to the next life, such as becoming a more spiritual person, finding and helping those who are truly poor, etc. 

To be patient is extremely important, since impatient and begging repeatedly for something might be given by Allah but later seen as a loss by the servant. A typical example, which is included in this category, can occur within the business field. For example, someone is looking for a house to buy but he ends up not being able to buy one because of many financial problems  hinder him from doing so. He prays to God that he’ll be able to buy this house but as long as such obstacles remain he won’t be able to buy it. After a couple of weeks, while the obstacles still remain, news reaches him that the prices of all the houses in that area have diminished thus now he can buy the house much cheaper. This typical example occurs in our society and is also the answer to the question (above) that was brought forth to me by the brother.  Hence, Allah knows best when is the best time for our supplications to be realized, since He and only He possesses ilm al-ghayb (science of the Unseen, including the future).    

This is emphasized in the Holy Quran: 

Fighting is enjoined on you, and it is an object of dislike to you; and it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you, and Allah knows, while you do not know.

(Surah Al-Baqarah (Chapter 2 – The Cow) verse 216)

 

As a conclusion it is worth mentioning that some people prefer not to ask God for anything simply because they feel that they are satisfied with their life. This is wrong! Everyone has to ask (Allah) for something. Allah has given us this right even though we are his servants. It doesn’t have to be something from this world. For example, one could ask Allah to be given a healthy life or to die old and painless. An important fact concerning dua is that every time one makes dua one actually gets rewarded for it and that good deed gets registered into one’s book of deeds (which will be opened on the Judgment Day). 

Thus, during every supplication, do not forget to praise and glorify Allah (SWT), send blessings to the last Prophet Mohammad (SAAS) and his holy Household (AS), confess your sins and show sincere grief over them. Besides that, before asking anything for oneself one should pray for others, such as one’s family members, neighbor, relatives, friends, etc. In such a manner one’s supplication often gets answered faster. 

God is closer to us than our jugular vein (50:16). He hears everything, sees everything and read off the brain’s and heart’s secrets. Not a single secret can be hidden from our Creator. Thinking about a certain thing is enough for Allah to become aware of it, yet He loves the servant that asks for His help by uttering himself to Him.

Hence, don’t forget the conditions that our beloved Imam Ali (AS) has given us to maximize the purification of our heart and soul and consequently make our supplications become realized by being kept guided in His Straight and True Path, inshaAllah.

Full Article here

...

And when My servants ask you concerning Me, then surely I am very near; I answer the prayer of the supplicant when he calls on Me, so they should answer My call and believe in Me that they may walk in the right way. Noble Qur'an (2:186)

And your Lord says: "Call on Me; I will answer your (Prayer): but those who are too arrogant to serve Me will surely find themselves in Hell - in humiliation!" Noble Qur'an (40:60)

I have heard a story about a believer who was passing through a place when he was surrounded by people from the area who asked him why in the Qur'an Allah (swt) says: "Call on Me; I will answer your (Prayer)"; yet despite their calling upon Allah, their prayers were not answered. He replied: "The reason is because your hearts have died due to ten things so that your supplications have no sincerity as your hearts are not pure and free of contamination."

They asked: "What are those ten issues?" He replied:

• First and foremost you have accepted Allah (SWT) but have not repaid His claim.
• You have recited the Noble Qur'an but have not practiced it.
• You profess your love of the Holy Prophet of Islam (saw), but are opposed to his household (as).
• You claim to have enmity with Shaitan (Satan) but in practice you are in agreement with him.
• You say that you are fond of heaven but in order to enter heaven you have not done anything.
• You said that you were afraid of the Hell Fire, but have thrown your bodies in to it.
• You were busy slandering and criticizing people but were ignorant of your own shortcomings and faults.
• You said that you didn't like the world but are greedily following it.
• You confess to the reality of death but don't prepare yourself for it.
• You have buried the dead but haven't taken a lesson or guidance from it.

These are the 10 practices (Ten Reasons) which cause prayers to remain unanswered.

Food for thought...

In need of your dua's.

Consequences

"O' Lord! Whenever I thought I was prepared and ready and rose to pray, before Your hands, and confided to You, You cast sleep on me when I prayed, and You prevented me from confiding to You when I confided, Why is it that whenever I felt content about the goodness of my core, and my companionships have neared that of the repentants, a sin would occur and cause my feet to stumble, and deprive me from Your service, O' my Master, Maybe You have expelled me from Your door, and retired me from Your service, or maybe You observed my disregard of Your right on me and thus distanced me, or maybe You saw me headed away from (Your path) and thus You withdrew me, or maybe You found me to be in the position of the liars so You rejected me, or maybe You saw that I was not grateful of Your rewards so You deprived me, or maybe You observed my absence from the assembly of the scholars and thus put me down, or maybe You found me to be one of the unheeding so You despaired me from Your mercy, or maybe You found me frequenting the assembly of the unfaithful, so between me and them You deserted me, or maybe You did not like to listen to my prayers so You distanced me, or maybe You equated me with my crime and sin, or maybe You punished me for my lack of shyness from You. So if You forgive, O' Lord, You have forgiven the many sinners before me. For Your generosity, O' Lord, is higher than punishing the delinquents, and I am seeking refuge with Your bountifulness, and I am escaping from You to You, and anticipating Your promise to pardon those who possessed good convictions about You. "

~ Dua Abu Hamza Thumali

One of the many things I love about this blessed month is that for some reason, you are able to put things in better context, and you are able to see a clear map of intentions and thoughts, and how they lead to certain actions, and how those actions lead to certain consequences.  In the numerous supplications and devotions which are recommended to perform in this month, a certain theme stands out pretty obviously: Acknowledgement of the consequences of our actions. Actions committed in disregard of the reality of death, return to Allah and accountability generally end up in sin. Sin leads to a widening gap between us and our Master, which has many effects: from  loss of spiritual peace, to loss of hope and sinking in despair, which then leads to anger against Allah, and more sin… the vicious cycle goes on endlessly.

In order to break the chain of sin, one must try as far as possible to break it from its very roots. Uprooting sin would need to start from the very thought of sin, or allowing your mind to flirt with sin, even for a moment. There then must be a conscious effort to avoid sin, and every time one wants to sin, they should make an extra effort to do extra good, while seeking the help of Allah (swt) in that trial. At the same time, one must ponder upon the sins they have done, and seek sincere repentance for them, while taking every measure to remedy the sins and offenses they perpetrated against others. 

I was thinking about how food and hunger (and talking about the two) are a big part of the shahr Ramadhan culture in our lives today. In this month, we may often feel the pangs of hunger while we are fasting. This is one month in which we deprive our physical selves from nourishment for a few hours, and at the end of the day, we feel the hunger and the need for replenishment. We often force our souls to go hungry for days, weeks, months, perhaps years on end. The dangers is, because we may not “feel” this hunger of our soul, or at least not recognize the symptoms of a starving soul, we do nothing to replenish our souls. Our souls are forced to go hungry, with no spiritual iftaari banquet spread out at the end of the day!

This month, we are able to provide some spiritual nourishment to our starving souls through the words of the Ahlulbayt (as). The words used by them (as) in capturing this feeling of helplessness against our weakness,  the fear and despair of our frequently succumbing to our desires, and its consequences will bring tears to the hardest hearted of people. The way they express hope in Allah, and describe His unending and limitless mercy is beautiful beyond words, inspiring one to change their ways, or to contemplate a serious change in their lifestyles. Question is, for how many people will it bring a real and lasting change? 

May Allah (swt) give us success on His path.

Realisation

And I have sought You for my wish, and directed my need to You, and I depend on You for my rescue, and I assign my pleading to You by praying to You, doing this while knowing that I am not worthy of Your listening to me nor do I have a right on You to pardon me, but I do so because I trust in Your generosity, and I submit to Your true promise (to answer our prayers) and I take refuge through believing in Your unity, and through my certainty of knowledge about You, that indeed I have no other god or lord but You, only You! ~ Dua Abu Hamza Thumali

 As the holy days and nights of Shahr Ramadhan draw to a close, one cannot help but wonder at how fast time flies. Does all time fly this fast, or is it windows of opportunity that tend to move faster than other time spans? The month of Ramadhan has been described as a divine invitation from the Almighty, a time when the bounties and blessings are freely available to anyone who seeks them. Seeking divine favour has also been eased in this period, when a daily schedule and routine has been set for us by the radiant household, the ahlulbayt (as) with detailed supplications and devotions in the most eloquent soul touching words. All this as a way of making it easy for us to develop our relationship with our Maker.

The Holy Prophet (pbuh) has also taught us that this month contains three special classes of blessings that we have an opportunity to reap from. The first third of the month is considered the days and nights of mercy, when all people are fresh in their spiritual vigour and zeal, and have ample opportunity to develop their relationship with Allah (swt). Having established this close bond which we may have lost over the year owing to being too held up in our worldly occupations, we have by now undergone a lot of reflection upon our deeds and misdeeds, and realised that the barrier between us and Allah (swt) is indeed our errant ways, and the glaring evil of our sins stands out openly. The tears flow freely, and we feel ready to confess our ways to Him (swt) knowing He is full of mercy, and only He can forgive our sins, both hidden and apparent, those we know of and those which we do not know of, those we commit in secret, and those we commit openly, those we remember... and those we have forgotten.

The second third of the month is thus a time when the believer should focus a great deal on seeking repentance for his ways. Each times he raises his hands in supplication, he should remember that so many who had raised their hands in the previous years/days are now no longer eligible to seek this favour. They have gone to meet their maker with whatever they may have reaped in the previous season, and the days after it. The supplicant should realise how fast the first third has slipped away, with no certainty on his part of what he gained in that time, or what he lost.

In the last third of the month, we are recommended to truly and actively seek Allah's freeing us from hell. Our deeds have written our sentence to hell, a self made disaster from which we have no escape, except by turning back to Him (swt). At this time, how beautiful it is to remember those who have been given the right of interceding on our behalf, the blessed ahlulbayt (as). We may often parrot the words of the duas and supplications we read without stopping to ponder upon those through whom we seek release from the burden of our sins. In one of the recommended amaals for the nights of laylatul qadr, we seek intercession through Allah (swt), then through the Prophet (pbuh) and his holy household. 

We must however look at this matter from a practical point of view. Intercession means to ask on behalf of another. For example, some times when children want something from their parent which they find difficult to ask, they will send the one whom they know the parent is especially fond of, and will thus find it hard to turn away their request. However, picture a scenario where the rest of the children always keep away from the child who the parent especially loves, constantly bully him, keep him out of their daily activities. With what face are they able to ask that child to go and ask for something on their behalf from the parent? 

The same example can be applied when we seek intercession through the ahlulbayt (as). If in our daily lives we are aloof from them in words, deeds, thoughts, how do we then seek intercession through them? Intercession through them is most beautiful when it comes from one who has made a point of knowing them, and knowing why they hold this special position of being able to intercede on our behalf. When one asks for shafa'ah through RasulAllah (pbuh), he has known that the Prophet is the prophet of Mercy, of the most beautiful conduct, the softest kindest heart, and the most excellent devotion. When one seeks intercession through Imam Ali (as), he must know how Imam Ali (as) cares for the people of this world, how just and wise he was, how compassionate he was to the creatures of Allah. Knowing this will enable the supplicant to truly appreciate the one through whom he is seeking intercession, and the One to whom he addresses his need(s). Truly, the Master of such a just servant can only be a Just Master, the master of such a kind, compassionate servant can only be a kind, compassionate Master. When one seeks intercession through lady Zahra (as), they must understand the position of one who has been oppressed and has had injustices committed against her (madhlooma) before Allah, and that there is no barrier between the prayer of a madhloom/madhloomah and Allah (swt).

Similarly, when seeking intercession through Hadhrat Abul Fadhl al 'Abbas ibn Ali ibn Abi Talib, they must understand why it is that he is the baabul hawaaij (the door through which needs/requests are met/fulfilled). This position was achieved by Hadhrat Abbas not only because of his love and devotion to the ahlulbayt (as), but also because of his recognition of the Imam of his time (Imam Husayn (as) ) and being fully loyal to him. This loyalty stemmed from the recognition and acknowledgment of the divinely given right of Imam al Hasanayn (as), and that is why, when the time came, he did not need to be reminded or asked, he knew his duty, to its full extent, and would not even take a drop of water before the Imam of his time had been quenched!

We must thus realise that if we want our supplications to be met in this season of abundance in divine blessings and pardon, we must realise the One from whom we are asking and His Mercy and Justice, and we must also realise our frailty in the face of smallest tribulations, our weakness against our open enemy (the shaytan). We need to realise that if we were to count of the justice of Allah (swt), then there is little chance of our salvation, and thus, while acknowledging His limitless justice, we must rely on His overflowing Mercy and favour, as only that can save us from the consequences of our ways.

A recent reminder I recently heard about the rights to parents: Among the rights to a parent (if one is to truly respect them and accord them the position Allah has given them over you) is that when giving them something, be it a gift, a contribution to household expenses, giving them change from the grocers etc, you must never make them be in the position of the receiving hand, even if you are the one giving! I.e. keep your hand in the position of the recipient/the lower hand, and not that of the giver/the upper hand. Another anecdote I have also come across is of one youth who had an old and partially deaf father. Once, his father was calling him, and was not hearing his responding to his call. The youth kept responding, but could not bring himself to raise his voice above that of his father (who was shouting). How many times do we think of such minute details which can have such a negative impact on our lives? Are we all not aware of the loss of divine favour that occurs each time we cause our parents a twinge of sadness, or cause them to feel lower than us, even for the twinkling of an eye.

Realisation of the number of sins we commit, and their abundance in our "accounts" will lead us to realisation of the need for urgency in seeking repentance, and changing our ways. Shahr Ramadhan is a time when our lives must be different from our daily lives, and the time after the month should also be different from our lives before the month. How is it that we can discipline ourselves to do right for a season, and then immediately the month is over, drop the extra spirituality and devotion like we were holding onto a hot coal we could not wait to get rid of! We need to realise that we cannot keep crying each year: 'Ya Abul Fadhl al Abbas!' yet we derive no lessons from him, or his devotion and service to the Imam of his time. What is our relationship with the Imam or our time? Is he simply a means of debate with others, where we gather facts to "prove" his existence, right, position etc to others, but have not in any way acknowledged his presence through our deeds. As is often said: 

"Our sins strike him like arrows!"

We have been given the divine blessing of having and knowing of the existence of the Imam of our time (may Allah hasten his reappearance) but we make no point of knowing him, except for lip service when we wish to address our needs through him..

May Allah make us amongst those who reap fully the divine bounties of this month, and forgive us and grant us the blessings of what is left of this month, and be Merciful to us in spite of those which we have already missed out on.